Emotional Intelligence Archives

3 Steps to Follow When You Are Criticized and Blamed

June 11, 2024 by Ashley Smotherman

June 11, 2024 | Mark Altman

Scroll to the bottom for a downloadable PDF.

What is your default reaction when someone criticizes or blames you?

❓ Do you meet the person with the same angry tone?
❓ Does your body language become closed off or maybe even aggressive?
❓ Do you match their word choice and blame the person back?

When leaders receive feedback from an employee, they often become defensive because it can feel like a personal critique or a challenge to their competence and authority. This reaction is often rooted in the default human tendency to protect one’s self-esteem and self-image. If the feedback is unexpected or accusatory, the instant reaction is often to defend, deflect, and deny.

This is where leaders earn their money. It is easy to say, “Don’t react,” but how do you do it? Follow this three-step approach to de-escalate the situation while making it productive.

Step 1: “Thank you for sharing and feeling comfortable enough to bring that to me.”

Why should you say this? Emotions are information. Would you rather know or not know how someone is feeling? Nothing good comes from bottling it up. Use empathy and appreciation to disrupt the employee’s thought process while de-escalating immediately.

Step 2: “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

People sometimes assume that the other person knows what is going on at all times. That may not be the case. Adjust this wording to reflect the truth in your scenario.

Step 3: “Can I ask where that came from or what happened to make you feel that way?”

Gain clarity. This is your time to gather as much information as possible to really understand what is going on in order to identify the root cause of the issue. What, why, and how questions are incredibly important here.

You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. What can you do to understand the person’s point of view and gather more information while also de-escalating the situation?

Although the conversation doesn’t stop here, these three steps are crucial to creating a dialog between two people rather than a shouting match that goes nowhere.

Download the PDF for the three-step process here.

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Accountability – A Powerful Tool of Influence and a Powerful Way to De-escalate Frustration

June 6, 2024 by Ashley Smotherman

June 5, 2024 | Mark Altman

If you travel for business, you’ve been there – getting ready to board a plane and hoping there is enough room in the overhead compartments, so you won’t have to check a bag.

On a recent Delta flight, several passengers’ hopes were dashed as they were given the bad news and had to check their bags. There was mild frustration with airline representatives, but one of our tenets at MindsetGo “Control what you can control,” seemed to be happening and people seemed to be dealing with the news. Until… as the last group boarded, the passengers realized there was more than enough room for their bags after all, and became incredulous.

People were expressing their frustration with criticism, accusations, and ridicule, and there were palpable murmurs throughout the cabin as negativity spread. We encounter this kind of behavior at companies quite a bit and refer to it as being a “reverse influencer”–a person who vents their frustration with their potential goals being to rile people up, solicit sympathy or empathy, and negatively impact the people around them. Often when people do this, they feel helpless, and this is what they see as an optimal coping strategy.

Now what? What choices did Delta personnel have? What choices does anyone have in a leadership position or when serving their customers when a mistake is made? Let’s review.

1. Be passive. Don’t talk about it and act helpless and hopeless.

2. Be aggressive. Minimize a person’s frustration, be judgmental of that person, or turn it around on them because of how you feel you’re being treated.

3. The magical choice – Be accountable and assertive. Own the mistake. Explain why it happened without making excuses. Express sincere regret and empathize with the feelings that have been created.

This is what the Delta flight attendant said: “I know those of you who had to check your bags are frustrated because you can see we did have room on the plane after all and if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same. On behalf of the flight crew, we wanted to share how this mix-up occurred. Our normal process is to communicate with gate attendants, so we understand how much room is available as passengers are boarding the plane, and the communication was poor and unclear in this case. We usually err on the side of caution to expedite boarding to minimize delays and avoid taking unnecessary time checking extra bags. With that said, we own the mistake and sincerely apologize.”

Hallelujah. She made the right choice. I told her how impressed I was with how she handled it, and she was sincerely appreciative I took the time to pass along the kind words.

In cases like this, you can’t fix the actual problem that happened, but you can make it better, and owning mistakes is a powerful way to de-escalate frustration. The only tools in the toolbox you have are accountability, empathy, and authenticity. Many leaders and businesses miss the opportunity to be accountable to de-escalate situations and build trust. It is not a difficult concept, although it requires being comfortable with vulnerability, and risking and knowing how to deal with a potential conflict. We have all been in difficult spots in our lives when we needed to choose how best to communicate in problem-solving mode. It was refreshing to see someone make the right choice, especially in the travel industry.

Cultural Communication Habit #11: Default to Questions, Not Statements

May 17, 2023 by Ashley Smotherman

May 23, 2023 | Mark Altman

Scroll to the bottom for a downloadable PDF.

Effective communication is not just about the words we use, but how we use them. Every conversation we have, whether in the workplace or in our personal lives, is an opportunity to build connections and strengthen relationships. And one simple yet powerful habit that can make a significant difference in our communication is defaulting to questions rather than statements.

Let’s explore a common scenario to understand the impact of this habit. Imagine you’re a team leader, and one of your employees consistently chooses email as their primary mode of communication, even in situations where a phone call or face-to-face conversation would be more appropriate. How you address this issue can have a significant effect on the outcome.

Now, let’s consider two possible responses you could have in this situation:

Choice #1: “Would you agree that sometimes you tend to rely on email for certain situations when it may be more appropriate to have actual discussions?”

Choice #2: “I noticed you tend to rely on email when it would be more appropriate to have an actual discussion.”

At first glance, these responses might seem similar, but upon closer examination, we can identify four key differences that significantly impact the conversation.

Curiosity vs. Criticism: Choice #1 begins with a question, expressing curiosity about the employee’s perspective. This approach fosters an open dialogue and allows the person to share their point of view. On the other hand, choice #2 starts with a statement, which can come across as critical and judgmental. This initial tone sets the stage for potential conflict and defensiveness.

Sharing vs. Assessing: The question in choice #1 gives the employee an opportunity to express themselves and clarify any misunderstandings. By saying, “Would you agree that sometimes you tend to rely on email,” you acknowledge that the behavior may not be happening all the time. In contrast, choice #2 states, “I noticed you tend to rely on email,” which is a straightforward assessment of the facts. This absolute phrasing can make the employee defensive and less receptive to feedback.

Allowing Dialogue vs. Imposing Beliefs: The phrase “sometimes” and “certain situations” in choice #1 implies that the behavior is not constant or universal. It leaves room for discussion and acknowledges that there may be valid reasons for the employee’s communication choices. On the other hand, choice #2 presents the behavior as an absolute, implying that it is inappropriate in all situations. This rigid viewpoint can stifle conversation and hinder understanding.

Non-Judgmental vs. One-Sided: By using the phrase “may be more appropriate” in choice #1, you communicate that there is room for interpretation and different perspectives on what constitutes appropriate communication. It shows that you’re open to hearing the employee’s reasoning. Conversely, choice #2’s phrase “when it would be more appropriate” reflects your own value and belief system, leaving no room for alternative viewpoints.

As you can see, the differences between these two communication choices are subtle yet significant. By defaulting to questions instead of statements, you create an environment that promotes understanding, openness, and collaboration. By leading with curiosity, you invite others to share their thoughts and experiences, fostering a sense of psychological safety and mutual respect.

So, the next time you find yourself in a conversation where you want to address a concern or offer feedback, remember to default to questions. Embrace curiosity, seek to understand, and be open to different perspectives. By doing so, you’ll not only enhance your communication skills but also cultivate stronger relationships and create a more inclusive and collaborative environment.

Want this information in a PDF format?
Download it here.

Can’t We All Just Get Along? Removing the Great Divide in Generational Communication

November 4, 2022 by Ashley Smotherman

November 4, 2022 | Mark Altman

Think about a time when you have heard a colleague, member of the senior leadership team, or a direct report say one of these phrases:

“These kids don’t know what hard work is.”

“The bosses are set in their ways, so it doesn’t matter.”

“They just don’t get it. I’ll just do it myself, then.”

“I don’t get why they are taking it so personally.”

“They just need to do their jobs.”

The list goes on, and the ability to communicate effectively and bridge gaps across generations is more important now than ever. There are five generations in the workforce, and Millennials and Gen Z will soon make up half of it. When you bring different groups of people together, inevitability there will be a clash of cultures. In the lumber industry, there is a critical need for succession planning, talent optimization, retention and recruiting, as well as up-leveling individuals because of short-staffed companies and intense competition for top talent.

Where do we start? There are incremental steps companies can proactively take with individuals, teams, and company culture as a whole, to reverse trends and get a competitive edge through communication. It is no longer just about money, benefits, and perks. These questions are a great starting point to better understand if your communication approach gives you and your company an advantage:

Am I self-aware of my opportunities, or do I choose to disregard them?
Do I ask “why” questions, or do I demand answers?
Do I keep a cool head when things get tough, or does frustration show outwardly toward people?
Am I curious to know why someone thinks the way they do, or am I quick to attack their point?
Do I motivate, or do I lead with fear?

If you find yourself defaulting to the negative in your responses to these questions, you are likely not considering how others hear or perceive you. Leaders toss around the word “accountability” and that works both ways, as it takes two to tango.

Knowing what makes your employees tick will help you better connect with people. Let’s look at these concepts in action.

Scenario 1

Employee: I’m not feeling valued.

Manager (in a judgmental tone): What do you mean? You have great pay, benefits, and stability. I don’t get it.

Scenario 2

Employee: I’m not feeling valued.

Manager (in a curious and empathetic tone): Wow! I’m so sorry to hear this. Can you tell me more about why you are feeling this way? How did we get here? Is there anything I can do to change that?

You can see the obvious difference between the two examples above. Take a second to think before you respond and practice being curious and empathetic. Overall, you must care enough to notice how you communicate, whether it is good or bad. Fear is not a motivator, and it can deteriorate your company culture. Collaboration is a major key in bringing all generations together to work more effectively and keep everyone engaged.

Check yourself by asking:

Why would my team want to stay here?
Why would they want to leave?
How am I motivating my team? What does a motivated team look like?
Who would be able to fill my role? What characteristics do they have?
Are we searching for and hiring people who embody those same characteristics?

Finally, is your inner voice curious and empathetic or annoyed and angry? Whatever it is, it’ll show in your conversation responses. The choice is yours!

In a galaxy not too far away, psychological safety exists

October 26, 2022 by Ashley Smotherman

October 26, 2022 | Mark Altman

How does someone take simple and immediate steps to create trust within their team?

Below are some techniques that will assist you in conversations that lead people to feel safe sharing their truths.

Creating trust is easier said than done, right?

A concept that has resonated with me is that the Jedi codes state power should be used to defend and protect, never to attack. If you are in the position of an illustrious Jedi warrior, it is your duty to protect the people you serve. A Jedi would say that your job as a leader is to:

Create trust and openness
Sustain positivity while being able to speak your mind
Notice how team members are feeling and be able to ask them about it
Be vulnerable with team members and have them be vulnerable back with you

This is Psychological Safety.

The great philosopher, Yoda, once said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Quiet quitting and a deteriorating culture are not overnight issues. Sure, one interaction can start the process, but most people would give others a second chance. The chain reaction begins when employees fear their manager because of negative interactions. Then, those employees become angry and disengaged. Finally, they leave. If you pay close attention during your interactions, you may notice that they are unhappy, but what do they owe you? You may not have given them a reason to be honest at all.

Here are some steps and strategies to create and foster trust.

Ask for permission to give feedback, as well as ask for it yourself.
1. Understand how and when to provide feedback so they are bought in.
2. Ask about past experiences and what to do or what to avoid when delivering feedback.

Share the intention of your conversation and address the elephant in the room.
1. No one likes surprises.
2. Share with the employee your thoughts or feelings and allow them time to respond.

Provide the objectives as well as expectations; be clear.
1. Ensure to be clear with your expectations so there is no room for ambiguity.

Model positive affirmation.
1. When someone shares their opinion in a meeting, thank them for sharing and let them know you value their feedback.

Listen to the MindsetGo podcast here for more information.

May the trust be with you.

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

The #1 Key to Employee Engagement, Performance, and Retention

September 13, 2022 by Megan Fine

September 13, 2022 | Mark Altman

In our last posts, we covered why rewards aren’t enough to improve employee engagement and retention. We also shared why consequences have consequences when it comes to performance improvement. If rewards and consequences aren’t effective motivators of behavior change, what is?

The answer is intrinsic motivation. The most effective way to inspire employee engagement, retain talented team members, and improve performance is to learn what matters most to your team members.

A few examples of what might intrinsically motivate someone include:

Personal growth – professional development opportunities
Feeling challenged
Inclusion
Social justice and serving others
Fulfilling a sense of purpose
Sense of accomplishment
Mentoring opportunities
Allowing people consistent opportunities to do things they are passionate about
Fairness

If you discover that your team member is motivated by personal growth, perhaps they want to take online classes, or spend time job shadowing a senior executive, and/or participate in a training program. (Hint: ask them!)

If someone is motivated by serving people, what does that look like in their role? In what ways can they serve people that align with the business mission and objectives?

Here’s a talk track to uncover your team member’s intrinsic motivation.

You: Hey Janae, I want to better understand what drives and motivates you. What are your favorite aspects of working here and what do you love most about your job?

Team Member: I care a lot about finding a sense of purpose in my work – I always want to understand how the part I’m playing contributes to the greater whole.

You: Do you feel you are making direct contributions to our success as well as your own? What can we do to help you feel more purposeful and fulfilled?

Team Member: Our mission statement speaks to me and was a large part of why I joined the company, but I don’t always understand how the work I do in the day-to-day fits into our mission.

You: That’s helpful, thanks. I want to better understand what we can be communicating differently and more frequently so you have more comfort around this.

Taking the time to understand what drives your team members intrinsically will pay major dividends in terms of engagement, performance, and retention. If you’re still struggling to have these conversations with your team, email us and we’ll share another conversation resource to get you talking to – and motivating – your employees.

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

Why Benefits and Bonuses are Not the Key to Employee Retention

August 24, 2022 by Megan Fine

August 23, 2022 | Mark Altman

As an executive or HR Leader, if you’ve ever tried to improve employee retention with one-size-fits-all methods, you’ve probably ended up frustrated and confused. When you’re offering great salaries, benefits, bonuses, and time off, and people still aren’t happy, what can you discern from that?

Human beings are wired to be motivated by rewards – so why don’t those rewards work the way we expect them to?

Extrinsically motivated behavior starts from a young age. We’re rewarded with gold stars and A+’s for good grades (and sometimes toys or money or treats for those straight A’s!). We get extra credit points for class participation. We get allowances for unloading the dishwasher, mowing the lawn, and walking the dog.

When we grow up, these extrinsic motivators continue – we get bonuses, promotions, and extra time off at work for a job well done.

Rewards and incentives can work – but only if they are the right ones.

As employers work to engage and motivate their employees and make them feel valued and appreciated, they must recognize that a one-size-fits-all approach is usually ineffective.

People are different – and are motivated by different things. One tool that can help us better recognize and appreciate our teams (and thus better retain them) is corporate languages of appreciation.

Often employers default to Gift-Giving to show appreciation: letting someone go home early, offering bonuses and promotions, etc. But here are three other corporate love languages that can help show your employees that you care.

Words of Affirmation: Sharing specific positive feedback with your team; e.g., “Derrick, I appreciate all the effort you put into pulling together the new pitch deck. It looks polished and professional, and you did a great job.”
Quality Time: Making time to meet with your team members one-on-one to demonstrate your care and investment in them and their work; e.g., “Lily, let’s talk about your future. Where do you want to be in a year or five years? How can I help you get there?”
Acts of Service: taking care of tasks you know your team members don’t enjoy; e.g., “Hey Travis, I know uploading blogs to the website is one of your least favorite tasks. Let me take care of it this week.”

Taking the time to understand what motivates each member of your team is a sure-fire way to improve retention and engagement.

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

Networking Like an All-Star

August 15, 2022 by Megan Fine

August 23, 2022 | Mark Altman

We all question the value of networking. More to the point, we feel resigned to doing it. It is one thing to make a connection; it is quite another to know how that person perceives you and if the connection will yield results.

Imagine this: You have just left a networking event and made what you hope and expect to be a valuable connection. The other person goes home that night to see their significant other. The significant other says: “Did you meet anyone special tonight at the event”? Your perceived valuable connection responds – what are you hoping they say?

Minors: “I met a really nice person tonight. We had a great conversation.” This person likes you but that doesn’t mean they see you as a network partner.
Rookie: “I met this person and they told me the funniest story.” This person sees you as funny and perhaps memorable, but they may not see you as a network partner.
Pro: “That is someone I could learn from.” Not bad because this person sees you as a valuable resource.
All-Star: “I met this person and would be comfortable and excited to refer them because they have a great product, and I would trust them with my customers.” Win!

Getting to All-Star level takes confidence and conversation intelligence. Have your company use MindsetGo for a networking training or contact us for Business Coaching to learn how to be a more effective networker.

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

What Having “The Talk” with Your Teenager Has to Do with Being a Better Leader

July 28, 2022 by Megan Fine

August 2, 2022 | Mark Altman

What does having a talk with your kid about sex have in common with having a conversation with your leadership team about change?

Both are courageous, vulnerable conversations that are made easier and more effective when approached with curiosity.

Before I spoke to my own children about sex, I internally reflected on my goals for the conversation and considered:

How can I have this conversation in a way that facilitates open-mindedness and allows my child to process this information on his terms, not mine?
What is the right amount of information to share? How long should this conversation be?
How much of the conversation should be me talking versus the child talking?

Often, parents think about having a conversation with their kids about sex as a major event, but one of the best pieces of advice I got was to have multiple conversations to keep the lines of communication open. I kept this wisdom in mind and headed into the conversation with curiosity.

After the conversation ended, my immediate reaction was, “That didn’t go well,” which was a cue for me to be curious. The second I feel that something didn’t meet my expectations, I ask: what is that based on? Is it based on body language I noticed, actual feedback I received, outcomes I set that weren’t met, or something subjective? Even body language isn’t always clear, so being curious meant questioning my assumption that the conversation didn’t go well and having clear criteria for evaluating whether that was true.

When defaulting to curiosity, if I still feel something didn’t go well, then I return to the two mindset progressions we teach at MindsetGo

Fixed to Growth Mindset: Instead of “I failed”: what do I need to do differently next time?
Growth to Advantage Mindset: I acknowledge that I didn’t do well, but ask: how will this serve me? Why is it an advantage that this happened? E.g., I can see what I did wrong, and it will set me up to do better in the future.

When it comes to impactful leadership communication, less is more. Building and sustaining the habit of leading with empathy and defaulting to curiosity will open up communication channels and make people comfortable speaking their truth and not what they think you want to hear.

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

Being Accountable When Disappointed

July 28, 2022 by Megan Fine

August 3, 2022 | Mark Altman

When dealing with a sales prospect who gives you all the signals that they are going to buy, including making an actual commitment, what do you do when they change their mind or bail on you?

When you feel wronged by someone else, a person breaks a promise, doesn’t follow through on their commitment, or you are generally disappointed by someone’s actions, it’s important to reflect on what you could have controlled and what was out of your control.

You have four choices in these scenarios. Think of which one you typically choose:

A. Rationalize and tell yourself you dodged a bullet because they are showing they aren’t true to their word. This may be true but you can’t completely be sure.
B. Unreasonably criticize yourself for being fooled and second-guess whether you can trust people in general or people like them.
C. Reflect on your role in the process and consider that they may not have seen enough value in your solution OR in you to move forward and they simply changed their mind.
D. Be assertive, pick up the phone, and ask what happened.

The right choices are C and D. By choosing C and reflecting on your role, you flex your self-awareness muscle to see a potential blind spot in the sales process. By choosing D, even though the prospect/client may not respond or tell the truth to give you the closure you are looking for, asking for the truth provides an opportunity for learning and growth and perhaps how to adjust your process moving forward.

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

Download the PDF for the three-step process here.

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