Cultural Communication Habit #11: Default to Questions, Not Statements

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May 23, 2023 | Mark Altman

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Woman's face from the nose up, looking up at a question mark written with chalk above her head.

Effective communication is not just about the words we use, but how we use them. Every conversation we have, whether in the workplace or in our personal lives, is an opportunity to build connections and strengthen relationships. And one simple yet powerful habit that can make a significant difference in our communication is defaulting to questions rather than statements.

Let’s explore a common scenario to understand the impact of this habit. Imagine you’re a team leader, and one of your employees consistently chooses email as their primary mode of communication, even in situations where a phone call or face-to-face conversation would be more appropriate. How you address this issue can have a significant effect on the outcome.

Now, let’s consider two possible responses you could have in this situation:

Choice #1: “Would you agree that sometimes you tend to rely on email for certain situations when it may be more appropriate to have actual discussions?”

Choice #2: “I noticed you tend to rely on email when it would be more appropriate to have an actual discussion.”

At first glance, these responses might seem similar, but upon closer examination, we can identify four key differences that significantly impact the conversation.

Graphic illustration of person who is speaking. Speech bubble contains three question marks.


Curiosity vs. Criticism: Choice #1 begins with a question, expressing curiosity about the employee’s perspective. This approach fosters an open dialogue and allows the person to share their point of view. On the other hand, choice #2 starts with a statement, which can come across as critical and judgmental. This initial tone sets the stage for potential conflict and defensiveness.

 

Graphic illustration of business woman holding up right pointer finger indicating she has something to say.Sharing vs. Assessing: The question in choice #1 gives the employee an opportunity to express themselves and clarify any misunderstandings. By saying, “Would you agree that sometimes you tend to rely on email,” you acknowledge that the behavior may not be happening all the time. In contrast, choice #2 states, “I noticed you tend to rely on email,” which is a straightforward assessment of the facts. This absolute phrasing can make the employee defensive and less receptive to feedback.

 

Graphic illustration of male and female sitting on stools having a discussion. Speech bubbles are empty.
Allowing Dialogue vs. Imposing Beliefs: The phrase “sometimes” and “certain situations” in choice #1 implies that the behavior is not constant or universal. It leaves room for discussion and acknowledges that there may be valid reasons for the employee’s communication choices. On the other hand, choice #2 presents the behavior as an absolute, implying that it is inappropriate in all situations. This rigid viewpoint can stifle conversation and hinder understanding.

 

Graphic illustration of judge holding gavel. There is a circle with a red "no" sign next to the judge.
Non-Judgmental vs. One-Sided: By using the phrase “may be more appropriate” in choice #1, you communicate that there is room for interpretation and different perspectives on what constitutes appropriate communication. It shows that you’re open to hearing the employee’s reasoning. Conversely, choice #2’s phrase “when it would be more appropriate” reflects your own value and belief system, leaving no room for alternative viewpoints.

 

Defaulting to asking questions is hard work.

As you can see, the differences between these two communication choices are subtle yet significant. By defaulting to questions instead of statements, you create an environment that promotes understanding, openness, and collaboration. By leading with curiosity, you invite others to share their thoughts and experiences, fostering a sense of psychological safety and mutual respect.

So, the next time you find yourself in a conversation where you want to address a concern or offer feedback, remember to default to questions. Embrace curiosity, seek to understand, and be open to different perspectives. By doing so, you’ll not only enhance your communication skills but also cultivate stronger relationships and create a more inclusive and collaborative environment.

 

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Can’t We All Just Get Along? Removing the Great Divide in Generational Communication

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November 4, 2022 | Mark Altman

Think about a time when you have heard a colleague, member of the senior leadership team, or a direct report say one of these phrases:

“These kids don’t know what hard work is.”

“The bosses are set in their ways, so it doesn’t matter.”

“They just don’t get it. I’ll just do it myself, then.”

“I don’t get why they are taking it so personally.”

“They just need to do their jobs.”

The list goes on, and the ability to communicate effectively and bridge gaps across generations is more important now than ever. There are five generations in the workforce, and Millennials and Gen Z will soon make up half of it. When you bring different groups of people together, inevitability there will be a clash of cultures. In the lumber industry, there is a critical need for succession planning, talent optimization, retention and recruiting, as well as up-leveling individuals because of short-staffed companies and intense competition for top talent.

Where do we start? There are incremental steps companies can proactively take with individuals, teams, and company culture as a whole, to reverse trends and get a competitive edge through communication. It is no longer just about money, benefits, and perks. These questions are a great starting point to better understand if your communication approach gives you and your company an advantage:

  • Am I self-aware of my opportunities, or do I choose to disregard them?
  • Do I ask “why” questions, or do I demand answers?
  • Do I keep a cool head when things get tough, or does frustration show outwardly toward people?
  • Am I curious to know why someone thinks the way they do, or am I quick to attack their point?
  • Do I motivate, or do I lead with fear?

If you find yourself defaulting to the negative in your responses to these questions, you are likely not considering how others hear or perceive you. Leaders toss around the word “accountability” and that works both ways, as it takes two to tango.

Knowing what makes your employees tick will help you better connect with people. Let’s look at these concepts in action.

Scenario 1

Employee: I’m not feeling valued.

Manager (in a judgmental tone): What do you mean? You have great pay, benefits, and stability. I don’t get it.

Scenario 2

Employee: I’m not feeling valued.

Manager (in a curious and empathetic tone): Wow! I’m so sorry to hear this. Can you tell me more about why you are feeling this way? How did we get here? Is there anything I can do to change that?

You can see the obvious difference between the two examples above. Take a second to think before you respond and practice being curious and empathetic. Overall, you must care enough to notice how you communicate, whether it is good or bad. Fear is not a motivator, and it can deteriorate your company culture. Collaboration is a major key in bringing all generations together to work more effectively and keep everyone engaged.

Check yourself by asking:

  • Why would my team want to stay here?
  • Why would they want to leave?
  • How am I motivating my team? What does a motivated team look like?
  • Who would be able to fill my role? What characteristics do they have?
  • Are we searching for and hiring people who embody those same characteristics?

Finally, is your inner voice curious and empathetic or annoyed and angry? Whatever it is, it’ll show in your conversation responses. The choice is yours!

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In a galaxy not too far away, psychological safety exists

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October 26, 2022 | Mark Altman

How does someone take simple and immediate steps to create trust within their team?

Below are some techniques that will assist you in conversations that lead people to feel safe sharing their truths.

Creating trust is easier said than done, right?

A concept that has resonated with me is that the Jedi codes state power should be used to defend and protect, never to attack. If you are in the position of an illustrious Jedi warrior, it is your duty to protect the people you serve. A Jedi would say that your job as a leader is to:

  • Create trust and openness
  • Sustain positivity while being able to speak your mind
  • Notice how team members are feeling and be able to ask them about it
  • Be vulnerable with team members and have them be vulnerable back with you

This is Psychological Safety.

The great philosopher, Yoda, once said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Quiet quitting and a deteriorating culture are not overnight issues. Sure, one interaction can start the process, but most people would give others a second chance. The chain reaction begins when employees fear their manager because of negative interactions. Then, those employees become angry and disengaged. Finally, they leave. If you pay close attention during your interactions, you may notice that they are unhappy, but what do they owe you? You may not have given them a reason to be honest at all.

Here are some steps and strategies to create and foster trust.

  • Ask for permission to give feedback, as well as ask for it yourself.
    1. Understand how and when to provide feedback so they are bought in.
    2. Ask about past experiences and what to do or what to avoid when delivering feedback.
  • Share the intention of your conversation and address the elephant in the room.
    1. No one likes surprises.
    2. Share with the employee your thoughts or feelings and allow them time to respond.
  • Provide the objectives as well as expectations; be clear.
    1. Ensure to be clear with your expectations so there is no room for ambiguity.
  • Model positive affirmation.
    1. When someone shares their opinion in a meeting, thank them for sharing and let them know you value their feedback.

Listen to the MindsetGo podcast here for more information.

May the trust be with you.

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Why Benefits and Bonuses are Not the Key to Employee Retention

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August 23, 2022 | Mark Altman 

As an executive or HR Leader, if you’ve ever tried to improve employee retention with one-size-fits-all methods, you’ve probably ended up frustrated and confused. When you’re offering great salaries, benefits, bonuses, and time off, and people still aren’t happy, what can you discern from that? 

Human beings are wired to be motivated by rewards – so why don’t those rewards work the way we expect them to? 

Extrinsically motivated behavior starts from a young age. We’re rewarded with gold stars and A+’s for good grades (and sometimes toys or money or treats for those straight A’s!). We get extra credit points for class participation. We get allowances for unloading the dishwasher, mowing the lawn, and walking the dog.

When we grow up, these extrinsic motivators continue – we get bonuses, promotions, and extra time off at work for a job well done.

Rewards and incentives can work – but only if they are the right ones.

As employers work to engage and motivate their employees and make them feel valued and appreciated, they must recognize that a one-size-fits-all approach is usually ineffective.

People are different – and are motivated by different things. One tool that can help us better recognize and appreciate our teams (and thus better retain them) is corporate languages of appreciation.

Often employers default to Gift-Giving to show appreciation: letting someone go home early, offering bonuses and promotions, etc. But here are three other corporate love languages that can help show your employees that you care.

  1. Words of Affirmation: Sharing specific positive feedback with your team; e.g., “Derrick, I appreciate all the effort you put into pulling together the new pitch deck. It looks polished and professional, and you did a great job.”
  2. Quality Time: Making time to meet with your team members one-on-one to demonstrate your care and investment in them and their work; e.g., “Lily, let’s talk about your future. Where do you want to be in a year or five years? How can I help you get there?”
  3. Acts of Service: taking care of tasks you know your team members don’t enjoy; e.g., “Hey Travis, I know uploading blogs to the website is one of your least favorite tasks. Let me take care of it this week.” 

Taking the time to understand what motivates each member of your team is a sure-fire way to improve retention and engagement. 

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

How to Think Outside the Box

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July 12, 2022 | Megan Fine & Mark Altman 

A few weeks ago, Mark asked me to tabulate and pull together the results for a client assessment with the goal of identifying training and coaching areas of need. Members of a sales team indicated on a scale of 1-5 how frequently they practiced a particular sales habit. In tasking me with the assignment, Mark suggested some criteria based on that scale to determine a list of urgent and top priority development needs, areas of strength, as well as patterns/trends across the entire sales team. 

What I quickly realized was that the criteria Mark had given me, while useful for similar clients, did not fit this set of respondents. Nearly every topic qualified as either urgent or top priority, which of course was not useful feedback for the client. I hopped on the phone with Mark, and we quickly figured out a more insightful way to process the data. 

So often, when following an existing process or executing a delegated task, people tend to be robotic and follow the rules to a T. Without being thoughtful about the project or task, time could be wasted, and work quality and efficiency could suffer.  

When delegating a task, here are three important things to communicate: 

  • Do you want the person to do exactly as you tell them or think critically as they complete the project to identify gaps and potentially find a better way? 
  • If the person is struggling with the project, how long do you want them to spend problem-solving on their own before they ask for help?
  • What and who would be valuable resources to utilize if and when they run into problems?

For example, you might say: “Alex, I’d like for you to own sending our newsletter each week. Here is the current process for how we pull together content, format, send, report, etc. – and if you notice that there’s something we could be doing more efficiently or ways we can make the newsletter more engaging, I want to know. If you are struggling at any point, please don’t spend more than ten or fifteen minutes troubleshooting the problem. Feel free to come to me so we can collaborate and determine the best course of action.” 

By setting expectations, you empower your team to think critically and creatively about the work at hand, and in many cases, improve upon existing processes and workflows. 

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

My boss no shows or is late to our one-on-ones – Help!

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June 6, 2022 | Mark Altman

Category:

Managing up

The Problem:

Your boss is either consistently late or doesn’t show up at all for your 1:1s. In addition, they don’t give you a heads up or let you know they’re running late or not coming. Worse, they don’t seem to care or feel remorseful about their tardiness or no shows. 

The Root Cause: 

Your boss may: 

  • Struggle to manage themselves; they may be so overwhelmed with their schedule, putting out fires, and keeping up with the workload that communication stops. 
  • Have authority entitlement: “You work for me, and my priority is taking care of our customers/clients/prospects.” 
  • Be putting customers or sales prospects before you and expect you to understand that. 
  • Not value the 1:1s anyway so they see it as no big deal. 
The Solution:

Multiple Challenges/Determine a Realistic Outcome 

There are three separate problems here and it is unlikely you can solve all of them in one conversation. 

  1. Your boss is a varying degree of late,
  2. They don’t let you know, and
  3. They don’t seem to care.

Pick a starting point. In this case, it is that they at least extend the courtesy of letting you know when their plans change. 

The Conversation 

Have a “Managing Up” conversation with your boss and share your observation/experience to get alignment on the issue. Your boss may respond and say how busy they’ve been, make excuses, or otherwise not validate what you’re saying. Don’t let that deter you or get emotionally invested in their response.  

Make the Ask 

Instead, be direct, lead with empathy, and ask for permission: “I appreciate how much you have on your plate. Would it be okay to please let me know if you’re running late or can’t make a meeting? When you don’t do that, I’m missing out on opportunities to be productive, support my own team, and help the company be successful.” 

Make your request direct and reasonable, with a compelling motivation for them to comply. 

Proactive Accountability  

To help your boss build self-awareness and ultimately shift their behavior, ask, “If I become aware of you doing that again, do I have permission to hold you accountable?”

Content derived from MindsetGo Training Programs: Speak Up to Keep Up Assertiveness Training; Courageous Conversations 

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Have a Colleague Who Consistently Interrupts You? Here’s What to Do About It

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May 30, 2022 | Mark Altman

Category:

Managing across

The Problem:

A colleague interrupts and speaks over you. 

The Root Cause:

Your colleague may: 

  • Not value your role/feedback. 
  • Not respect you. 
  • Feel what they have to say is most important. 
  • Have a blind spot: they don’t know they’re doing it; no one has ever given them the feedback.
The Resolution: 

You will need to have a managing across conversation with your colleague. These conversations can be challenging as you don’t have authority over someone when managing across. To set yourself up for success, use the following conversation template. 

Determine a Realistic Goal for the Conversation

Ideally, the first time we give feedback to someone, they immediately and permanently change their behavior, but that rarely happens. Set a goal and a realistic ask prior to the conversation.

Ask Permission 

Start the conversation by asking permission to give your colleague feedback: “Would it be okay if I give you feedback about something that’s been on my mind?”

Get Alignment 

Share your feedback and then ensure you are on the same page: “It’s been my experience in meetings that you sometimes interrupt and talk over me. I’m wondering if it surprises you to hear that?”

Share Observation (if appropriate) 

If your colleague responds that they are surprised or didn’t realize they were doing that, provide one or two concrete examples.

Make the Ask 

If your colleague responds with agreement – “I do tend to do that, I’m sorry” – then share your ask. Remember, this person may have had this habit for a long time; if your goal is for them to stop interrupting you entirely, that may not be realistic. 

Practice Proactive Accountability  

To help your colleague build self-awareness and ultimately shift their behavior, ask, “If I become aware of you doing that again, do I have permission to hold you accountable?”

Takeaways: 
  • Follow the template for a Managing Across Conversation: Determine Realistic Goal, Ask Permission, Get Alignment, Share Observation, Make the Ask, and Practice Proactive Accountability. 
  • Remember, habits take a long time to build but aren’t easy to break. Even if your colleague has good intentions, they likely will not change their behavior overnight. Ask permission to hold them accountable to support them in the change. 

Content derived from MindsetGo Training Programs: Speak Up to Keep Up Assertiveness Training; Courageous Conversations 

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

Stop Having Repeat Conversations with Your Team (Here’s How)

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May 17, 2022 | Mark Altman 

Picture this: it’s Monday morning and you’re holding your weekly team meeting. You’re brainstorming how to improve lead capture on your website, and as Natalie is sharing an idea, Tom jumps in with his thoughts, steamrolling right over her.  

You can see Natalie bristle with frustration and then go quiet the rest of the meeting. Tom’s idea was a good one, but now you’re missing out on Natalie and likely other team members’ contributions. A little self-awareness on Tom’s part would go a long way here – and the worst part is, you’ve addressed this issue with him before. What are you missing? 

Here are our keys to more effective conversations – so you can have them once, not several times. 

First, make the conversation safe and minimize anxiety by setting it up as follows. 

You: Hey Tom, do you have a few minutes to talk? Can we do a quick 15-minute zoom?  

Tom: Sure, what’s it about?     

You: I’ve just been reflecting on something, and I want to pick your brain.

Then, start the conversation by gauging the person’s self-awareness around their behavior. 

You: So, I wanted to pick your brain about how our team meetings are going. What are your thoughts?  

Tom: They’re fine, I guess. Why do you ask ?

At this point, do two things:

  1. Get alignment on the problem.
  2. Share your perceptions and observations using I statements. 

You: The reason why I asked is because my perception is in meetings sometimes you tend to interrupt. (Pause) And I was just wondering, does that surprise you that I’m saying that? 

If your employee becomes defensive or starts listing excuses, provide a tangible example of their behavior. 

Tom: Kind of. No one has ever given me that feedback before.  

You: No problem. I understand. So, I’m going to give you an example if that’s okay, just so you can understand my perspective.  

Tom: Okay, sure.

You: Yesterday, when Natalie was sharing during our brainstorm on lead capture, you jumped in before she had a chance to finish speaking. I noticed she seemed frustrated and didn’t share much after that. 

Tom: Yeah, I guess I could see that.

Now, here is where many leaders get it wrong because they make an ask, and given the hierarchy of leader and team member, of course the person will agree.  

Common Leadership Response: So, I am asking you to be mindful of not interrupting when someone else is sharing their thoughts. 

In addition, leaders who go this route:

  • Haven’t taken time to understand the root cause of the problem
  • Don’t know if their team member is motivated to change their behavior
  • Don’t know if their team member has the skills to change their behavior
  • Are seeking compliance instead of collaboration 

Why is Tom jumping into conversations at inappropriate times? How long has he had this habit? Does he see a compelling reason to change his behavior? Does he know how to go about changing his behavior? 

Without the emotional and conversational intelligence to address these questions and challenges, most leaders end up having the same conversations and making the same requests repeatedly without results. 

At MindsetGo, we build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets to create lasting habit and behavior change. If you’re ready to develop the emotional and conversational intelligence you need to stop having repeat conversations, contact us today. It never hurts to talk!

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

What to Do When an Employee Circumvents the Chain of Command

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May 4, 2022 | Mark Altman 

Category:

Managing up, down, and across 

The Problem:

Your direct report or colleague consistently circumvents the chain of command by going to your boss with questions and concerns instead of you. 

The Root Cause: 

Your report or colleague may: 

  • Feel frustrated at a lack of progress on something they want accomplished. 
  • Have an unmet expectation – something they wanted you to do that you didn’t – even though they may not have articulated that expectation to you. 
  • Not feel you are empowered to do anything about their problem. 
Your Choices:

You have the option to: 

  • Internalize the situation (and make it mean something about you, your report/colleague, your leadership skills, etc.), or 
  • Address it. 

If you choose to address it, you will need to have two conversations: one managing up and one managing across or down. 

Managing Up Conversation 

Have a conversation with your supervisor about the report/colleague’s behavior. 

You: Hey Susan, Jane is going to you to solve X problem instead of me. Have you noticed that?  

Allow your supervisor to respond. They may justify the behavior or make an excuse and regardless of their response, ask: “Will you support me in not enabling that behavior as it will impact my credibility otherwise?” 

Managing Down/Across Conversation 

Have a non-confrontational conversation with Jane. Use a curious, empathetic, nonjudgmental tone.  

You: Hey Jane, I noticed you went to my boss for X problem. I’m wondering why you didn’t just come to me directly? 

Jane may either become defensive or make an excuse and either way, empathize and validate her perspective, and then inquire further as needed: “I’m wondering why you made that choice?”  

Takeaways: 
  • You have choices: you can ignore the problem and hope it doesn’t repeat, internalize your frustration, or have a courageous conversation. 
  • If you choose to be assertive, you must have two conversations: one to ensure that your boss isn’t enabling the behavior and one to understand why the person is making that choice. 

Content derived from MindsetGo Training Programs: Managing Yourself; Courageous Conversations; Assertiveness 

Enjoy this post? Contact us at MindsetGo to empower your leaders and teams to build confidence, develop skills, and shift mindsets and habits for lasting change.

Let’s Get Engaged!

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Employee Disengagement

One of the most common observations about employees nowadays is that they are disengaged. But, what did we expect? We have seldom created a culture of open and honest communication and as a practical rule, that environment will not invent itself. It can only happen intentionally. Only by creating an atmosphere where employees feel engaged and valued, can we get genuine answers to those vital questions. Companies will often bring in outside consultants to do engagement surveys to gather more information about their employees. This is a necessary first step, however the ensuing critical thinking process is what will determine if and how to use the survey results.

Actions Need to Equal Words

Are you prepared to make changes if employees communicate they’re unhappy? Are you prepared to address their concerns if enough people are asking? We always advise companies to not ask questions you aren’t prepared to act on and have a clear metric on how many people need to voice a frustration to motivate you to change. Without some clear understanding of what the organization is prepared and able to do, any engagement survey is unlikely to fulfill its promise.

Next Steps

A difficult decision to make with assessments is whether to make them anonymous. When employees know that the assessment isn’t about punishment or judgment, and there are no consequences, the individuals will be more apt to be open and honest with their communication to leadership. On the flip side, leadership must acknowledge that creating the conditions for open conversation isn’t likely to happen if there is no past precedent. The challenge we help organizations with is how to create that culture for authentic sharing of thoughts, ideas, feelings, and general feedback. We must prepare for these crucial conversations before, during, and after we inquire about our employees’ engagement.

Accomplishing Success

After all, W. Edwards Deming, the father of modern quality, reminded us of two things—that the most important things in a company can’t be measured, and that people are entitled to enjoy their work.

For more information on how MindsetGo can help your company culture, improve internal and external communication among your leaders and teams, and improve employee engagement, please check out MindsetGo.com or call us at 978-206-1535.

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